The wittiest lonely hearts ads
A collection of witty and eccentric lonely hearts ads from the London Review of Books have been brought together for a new book.
David Rose, the review's advertising director who launched the personal ads in 1998, is behind They Call Me Naughty Lola.
It features some of the most brilliant and often absurd ads from what's been billed as the world's funniest - and most erudite - lonely-hearts column.
Here's a selection of the funniest, beginning with the one which inspired the book's title:
'They call me naughty Lola. Run-of-the-mill beardy physicist (M, 46).'
'I've divorced better men than you. And worn more expensive shoes than these. So don't think placing this ad is the biggest comedown I've ever had to make. Sensitive F, 34.'
'List your ten favourite albums... I just want to know if there's anything worth keeping when we finally break up. Practical, forward thinking man, 35.'
'Employed in publishing? Me too. Stay the hell away. Man on the inside seeks woman on the outside who likes milling around hospitals guessing the illnesses of out-patients. 30-35. Leeds.'
'I like my women the way I like my kebab. Found by surprise after a drunken night out and covered in too much tahini. Before long I'll have discarded you on the pavement of life, but until then you're the perfect complement to a perfect evening. Man, 32, rarely produces winning metaphors.'
'My ideal woman is a man. Sorry, mother.'
'Your buying me dinner doesn't mean I'll have sex with you. I probably will have sex with you, though. Honesty not an issue with opportunistic male, 38.'
'Not everyone appearing in this column is a deranged cross-dressing sociopath. Let me know if you find one and I'll strangle him with my bra. Man, 56.'
'Are you Kate Bush? Write to obsessive man, 36. Note, people who aren't Kate Bush need not respond.'
'Stroganoff. Boysenberry. Frangipani. Words with their origins in people's names. If your name has produced its own entry in the OED then I'll make love to you. If it hasn't, I probably will anyway, but I'll only want you for your body. Man of too few distractions, 32.'
'Ploughing the loneliest furrow. Nineteen personal ads and counting. Only one reply. It was my mother telling me not to forget the bread on my way home from B&Q. Man, 51.'
'Mature gentleman, 62, aged well, noble grey looks, fit and active, sound mind and unfazed by the fickle demands of modern society seeks...damn it, I have to pee again.'
'Slut in the kitchen, chef in the bedroom. Woman with mixed priorities, 37, seeks man who can toss a good salad.'
'Bald, short, fat and ugly male, 53, seeks short-sighted woman with tremendous sexual appetite.'
'Romance is dead. So is my mother. Man, 42, inherited wealth.'
Source:
Ananova
US players barred from Moneybookers
It hasn't been officially announcement, (as far as I know), but the site says it all
Despite the lack of an official announcement, it appears that the online e-wallet company Moneybookers has turned its back on American players, possible as a consequence of the Unlawful Internet Gambling Enforcement Act which bans U.S. financial transactions to online gambling sites.
Read more
It sucks being dumped via sms… and other truths
Shame, there's a lot of pressure on guys these days.
Even though there must be a myriad of single gals just waiting to be swept off their feet straight onto their backs by Mr Right Now, we tend to make it really difficult for them.
Do this, no - do this. Don't do this, rather do that...
It seems that even with today's technology, the guys simply cannot win. Not that I agree with their wicked ways, but hey - sometimes us girls do it too. What about that time when you couldn’t face speaking to that guy you met at the club/pub/restaurant, whose face you sucked but can't remember, or cancelling a date via sms to avoid lying over the phone or - god forbid - in his face…?
Point made.
So here's a "What Not To Do" in this age of technology..
Read:
The New Rules of Technology in Relationships
Google tightens its Search
Google Custom Search Engine, as the tool is known, allows users to choose which webpages to search.
Users can also customise the look of results, how web content is prioritised or add paying adverts to the results.
The full story
NEWS FLASH: Top Tennis Pro to host Charity Poker Tourney
Top Tennis Pro Andy Roddick to Hold Charity Poker Tournament
Andy Roddick will hold a charity poker tournament on December 8th at the Hard Rock Seminole Casino in Hollywood, Florida. The tournament has a $500 entry fee, and proceeds go to benefit the Andy Roddick Foundation, which helps a myriad of children’s based charities.
First prize in the event is a seat in the World Poker Tour Invitational which will take place early next year. The package includes a three night stay at the Commerce Casino in L.A.
For more information, visit
worldpokertour.com/andyroddickSource:
Pokernews.com
Casino blames "faulty" machine for $12m payout
Buenos Aires: A casino outside Buenos Aires refuses to pay out $12 million in winnings on a slot machine they say had a technical glitch.
"We will pay the maximum amount that can be won on that machine: 35 000 pesos" or about $11 000, Bingo casino manager Hector Luna told Clarin newspaper.
"Don't bet on it," said Veronica Baena, who already has a lawyer.
"If the machine is broken, that is Bingo's problem," Guillermo Blouson, Baena's attorney, told the Buenos Aires daily.
The machine in question has been placed under police surveillance inside the casino awaiting university experts who will inspect the software inside.
Clarin recalled that in a similar case in 2001, a court ordered a casino to pay out $26 000, reasoning that the machine's inner workings "are the responsibility of the casino, pure and simple". - Sapa-AFP
Getting hammered. Chick DIY rocks!
One of the really shit things about being a single woman is: DIY.
No boyfriend to order around to fix your toilet, husband to shout at when the shower’s drain is blocked again (from your own hair!) and (in my case) no sexy neighbor to pop around for a drink and squeaky door fix.
So in my infinite wisdom I decided to Google some handyman tips, (what else was I to do?) and came across this great site aimed at women who need to (want to??) do some home improvement on their ace.
Check out
Be Jane for all your womanly DIY tips like this handy one:
Hammer without smashing a finger nail "Tired of smashing your thumb or breaking a fingernail when you hammer a nail into something? So are we! Try this trick: if the nail you are using is difficult to hold because it's too small, push in point down between the teeth of a comb to hold it in place. Then hold the comb up to the wall while you hammer. Any errant pounding will hit the comb and not you!
For larger nails, you can use a clothespin to hold it in place. This is also very helpful for people with poor eyesight or arthritis who can't hold the nail themselves. There are also hammers which feature a unique built in nail holder and magnet that holds the nail in place as you begin your hammering."
I was so excited, I promptly found some rusty nails, a mangy old comb, clothespin (it had been lying behind the refrigerator for years) and searched for a hammer.
Since I didn’t seem to own a hammer, I decided to experiment with various materials. The heel of one of my (old) stilettos provided the answer. With my plummer’s crack proudly supporting my efforts (plummer’s crack is a prerequisite for any DIY person) I got a bit carried away and ended up with a pretty banged-up wall.
Maybe I should just put a frame around the holes and declare it art.
In the meantime, the good news is: The advice worked!
Smaller sites all over discontinued PartyGaming's US players
According to experts, “Real money play appears to have picked up sharply at the poker sites which continue to operate in the US."
This follows PartyGaming’s exit from the US in the face of new anti-gambling legislation, which analysts suggest may have wiped up to 90% off revenues from the online operator's PartyPoker business at a stroke.
The London Guardian also reported that PokerStars, the Israeli-owned group that has signalled its intention to continue in the US, has begun an aggressive recruitment campaign to capitalise on the exodus of rivals.
"In an almost unprecedented promotion, it is offering to double cash in new players' accounts when they sign up. If it has not done so already, the Isle of Man-licensed PokerStars is shortly expected to overtake PartyGaming as the the world's largest poker operator.”
So the smaller, offshore groups are moving in fast – capitalizing on the rapid departure of their bigger counterparts.
The fact remains. There are millions of people who still want to play poker online. And someone WILL cater to their needs. I don’t think they even need tempting sign-up offers and bonuses.
I think they should simply say: You want to play. We’re here. Your old casino is not. Welcome!
Read more
Neteller Committed to Staying in the U.S. Market
Neteller's Executive Vice President of Sales and Marketing Bruce Elliot told an audience of online gaming executives in Barcelona :
"We are staying in the U.S. I don't think we have a problem."
A PokerNews.com executive who is at the conference confirmed the news, and spoke to another top Neteller executive who confirmed "We are completely committed to the U.S.".
The last two weeks have been a dizzying ride for most people in the online poker business, but the news over the last few days has mostly been positive toward the continued survival of the business. By no means is online poker 'out of the woods' with respect to possible troubling times ahead, but the commitment of Neteller to the U.S. market will put player's minds more at ease.
Read more Earlier, there were rumors that another popular online gambling payment processor, FirePay, might have been about to throw in the towel and stop catering to internet gambling websites that market to US players.
Wussy online casinos lose credibility, players and respect
According to a Casino City analysis, more than 110 sites have officially declared their intention to stop accepting U.S. players since the passage of the Unlawful Internet Gambling Enforcement Act. The list includes 888.com, Party Gaming, Cryptologic, Boss Media and Playtech powered operations and others.
Considering that there are an estimated 2 500 or more gambling venues available on the Internet helps put this into perspective.
Many top sites say they are waiting to see the legislation's impact before deciding on whether to stay in the U.S. market. Casino City expects 85-to-90 percent of the sites in their directory to continue to accept U.S. players.
I’ve been assured by the friendly support at my poker rooms of choice,
River Belle Online Poker and
The Gaming Club Online Poker Room, that it’s business as usual, and that there will be no denying US players.
Frankly, this running scared attitude by the online casinos is pissing me off. Have they actually looked at this ridiculous Act from all angles? Surely there must be a way to get around it. And when other casinos, who are not crapping themselves and taking the easy way out, find that way – these wussy casinos won’t get their players back. I definitely won’t go back to a casino that left me in the lurch without a second thought to its “highly valued loyal players”.
Bugger that.
I’m off to go enjoy a hand or two of poker. Online. At a poker room that’s not run by a bunch of scared-assed-money-grabbing-dickheads.
You can
click here to find out if your online casino or poker room is accepting U.S. players. It it’s not, come join me for a hand at
River Belle Online Poker.
Betbabes attack Bush over online gaming bill
A bunch of female sports betting professionals have told George W. Bush off in an open letter to the press, saying they refuse to be added to his Axis of Evil. The 12 top-females of an international gaming portal are protesting against the upcoming prohibition of online gaming in the United States.
The straight-forward business women of the gaming company located in Malta say they do not only disapprove of the current trend to push online gaming into semi or complete illegality, but they also deem it a dangerous movement.
"Gaming, excitement, thrill and competition - all these are human needs that you cannot suppress or forbid. With the upcoming prohibition harmless citizens will be pushed to illegal actions and forced to deal with dubious firms who do not comply with official regulations and apply the high standards of the online industry. We think this is irresponsible. People will bet anyway. Therefore, the player should first and foremost be educated and the gaming industry further regulated to prevent abuse." states company founder and ex-model Yara Wortmann.
Read the letter
Giving Head
THE FIRST HUMAN PENIS TRANSPLANT
A Chinese man has been given a new penis. Although this might rouse secret exclamations of joy and a happy glint in the eye of those less fortunate in that department, it’s not all good news…
In what doctors call "an unfortunate traumatic accident," a 44-year-old Chinese man lost all but the last half-inch of his penis. To replace it, they offered him the 4-inch member of an anonymous 22-year-old brain-dead patient whose parents had agreed to donate the organ.
Doctors “chose” the man based on the fact that he couldn’t pee standing up (which – according to the doctors - affected his quality of life severely), and because he couldn’t have normal intercourse.
To cut a long story short (no pun intended)… the surgery failed.
Just two weeks after the successful attachment, they cut the attached organ off after the man and his wife had difficulty accepting the donated penis.
Read the whole story
New Bill Does Not Make Online Poker Illegal
Misleading news stories abound both online and in print regarding the passage of the Unlawful Internet Gambling Enforcement Act. The completely incorrect interpretation states that the new bill essentially outlaws most forms of Internet gambling. The new bill absolutely does no such thing.
Read why
FirePay to throw in the towel?
There are rumors that popular online gambling payment processor, FirePay, may be about to throw in the towel and stop catering to internet gambling websites that market to US players. This follows the passage of a bill in the United States Congress that would hold financial institutions accountable for prohibiting transactions between it and offshore gambling establishments.
Meanwhile, it seems PartyGaming shareholders have been left to dry. According to the London Independent, PartyGaming, the internet poker giant, has told its shareholders it will not now pay the dividend it promised last month, saying it needed the money instead to fund expansion of its operations in Europe and Asia.
Its U-turn came in the wake of the US Congress vote to prevent Americans gambling online, a decision that was still causing upheaval across the industry Tuesday.
PartyGaming reportedly said it would now keep the $115m it had been due to pay out to shareholders as a 3 cents-per-share dividend at the end of this month.
Read more
PartyGaming and 888 suspend service to US customers
PartyGaming and its marquee PartyPoker.com brand will be departing from the US market along with 888.com, both of which trade on the London Stock Exchange.
PartyGaming issued a statement saying:
"If the President signs the act into law, the company will suspend all real money gaming business with U.S. residents, and such suspension will continue indefinitely."
Congress passed the legislation Sept. 30, making it unlawful for credit-card companies to collect payments for transactions with online-gaming sites, though the banking sector admits it does not have the necessary resources in place to prevent other forms of payments such as electronic checks and bank wires.
Gibraltar-based 888 said in a Regulatory News Service statement that the legislation will have a "material adverse impact" on its performance this year and thereafter. PartyGaming said its profit would be "significantly short of consensus forecasts" for 2006 and 2007 after a U.S. suspension.
888 said about half of its revenue is made in the U.S.
Officials from PokerStars have told other industry executives they too plan on leaving the US market, though it is unclear why the privately held company would take such a drastic measure so prematurely.
Meanwhile, The Ritz Club, the gambling arm of London’s most famous hotel, has announced that it has closed its online gaming site following the recent spate of industry arrests in Europe and the US.
Read more
